some sense of security

i know my limitations. i know what holds me back.
i know there are ways around it, but these are indefinite.
however the path, the journey that i take to find what i seek
however, wherever it leads, if anywhere at all, is part of the learning
its a small chance, but its one i would do anything for
so here comes the plunge, sacrifice for uncertainty
the ice cold water stills your lungs and you fear for your life
but you don't regret. you know you have done the right thing
you know that this is worth it, even if nothing will come from it.

Almost Home, Almost Gone

With a growing sense of excitement the edge nears.
Are you ready to fly?
With this sense of dread we ready ourselves to jump.
The rocks below reach up to us, but we pay them no heed.
We know that without belief in ourselves, we will falter, we will fall.
But we know that we will hold each other up, carry each other until we are all ready to fly.
Some will refuse this offer,and they shall sink, they do not understand how to spread their wings just yet.
They shall sink to the bottom of a memory, but will one day rise of their own accord and find their own meaning, one that we will have not the right to judge.
We shall fly towards our own sunsets, chasing a sunrise we see only on our own, for this journey is ours and ours alone.
But we shall gather again. This flock will renew itself and one day will meet again.
Until then, when we meet again.

death of seasons

"Elegy in a Botanic Gardens" by Kenneth Slessor is probably one of my new favourite pieces of literature. Its absolutely stunning, it really is, and you should definitely read it and enjoy it. It explains the title of this blog too, as, contrary to what it seems, this is a joyful blog *gasp*.

Life moves onwards always, but rarely do we come to crossroads such as these. We've shared the last 6 years of our lives with the same people. 5 days a week, term in, term out, year in, year out. You become accustomed to them. Interaction is automatic and takes no effort. You know how each person reacts to certain things, and how to react to them. Everything becomes automatic, and you just settle into a rhythm.

But now, we near the end. This is the great leap into the rest of our lives. From here, we all head for uni, or whatever we choose to do. These are the last days of our hibernation, and in less than two months, we truly begin to live, we hatch, we thrive and we LIVE. Its exciting, and yes, going against my hardened hatred, I will actually miss quite a few people. Not on a personal level, but just a joke as you walk past, a smile or a nod, a feeling of kinship of sorts. Now our true friends are born. We decide who we will actually put in the effort to stay in contact with, especially those of us going to uni's with different people to those we are closer to, or those of us (myself, specifically, possibly others) going somewhere with no one from our current social circles.

I know who these people will be, but what I wonder is, who will return the effort? Seems if you drive, it's all on your head. I don't want that responsibility, because that wouldn't be a friendship. For some, it won't bother me, it's my pleasure to go to you, though there are very few. To the others, step up, or don't expect anything from me.

But back to a positive note.

I know my feelings, and I understand them now. I understand my situation, THE situation, and I understand the futility, but this doesn't lessen the feeling, it isn't putting me in a bad mood, the fact that I can't be who you need. I know that what I CAN do is be the friend you need, and I will do anything for you as a friend, anything. You've always been there for me even through my mistreatment of you, and I will fight tooth and nail to stay by your side when the time comes and prove myself worthy of you. Because I'd rather keep you as a friend than lose you for the sake of my own selfishness. You bring out the best in me, the me that I've found it easier and safer to protect and hide over the years. You make me try to be something better, and for that I will always be indebted to you. I don't know where this is going, haha, I guess I just needed to write this down. I know you don't read this, or even know about it. I'm not sure if I'd rather that, or if I'd rather you saw this. I think I'd rather take the time to tell you in person how thankful I am that you are who you are.

So adios for now my friends, whoever may read this.
I hope you are enjoying life and living each day the way it deserves to be lived.
Remember that there is always someone there to turn to, and don't ever lapse and undervalue those around you by not truly understanding their contribution.
: )

something about us

i realised that my blogging, originally intended to just raise questions i or others would love to discuss or have some sort of answer to, has become a mope-fest.
so one last time, for the sake of it, and to properly express this emotion, and then back to something more substantial.


It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

knowing

the outcome and not being able to change either it or your emotions.
It has to be one of the most interesting and testing of things.
It tests your self control, it tests your will, your love..
They say we cant control our hearts, and if we could, would we want to?
More importantly, do we have the right to?

'Why are you so far away?'
'Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?'

cellophane

a tinted form of clarity.

a new perspective.

one you come to wish you'd never had.

because misery will be all that will await you.

can i ask you a question?

if you had the choice, would you change knowing what you know?

would you change how you feel?

or do you think theres a reason for it all?

do you think we suffer, to learn from it?

or would it be easier to erase that, and go straight to the quick happiness, that little bit of feel-good and sunshine?

you tell me, because i just don't know.

Do you party?

Do you party? -The Amity Affliction
(Support Australian music!!)

Why the fuck should be change how we behave, because you thought it would work better that way?
And who the fuck told you that you should speak up about how it is we act,
About who the fuck we are when we don’t cast our eyes your own way?

And who the fuck are you anyway?
We’re no one and we still feel right at home,
We’re no one and we’re still just passing time; to kill the time, to kill the boredom.
Who the fuck can say what we should do?
We drink ‘til we drop and we’ll drink ‘til we die! We’re not here for a long time

We’re not here to help your night, we’re not here to set shit right; we’re just here for a good time, and friends are our own friends and our own, are our only; and tonight is the last night
And fuck you for thinking you could ever set us right
Who are you anyway to think you could change us?
Tonight is our own night, tonight is our only, we’re lonely, we’re wasted

And who the fuck are you anyway?
We’re no one and we still feel right at home,
We’re no one and we’re still just passing time; to kill the time, to kill the boredom.
Who the fuck can say what we should do? We drink ‘til we drop and we’ll drink ‘til we die!
We’re not here for a long time


Embrace life, fuck's sake.
Enjoy yourselves, is it really such an abstract concept?
How long do we have?
Presumably a life expectancy of between 70 or 80 years?
Yeah, good luck with that.
If you get hit by a car, don't bitch about having wasted your life.
I won't pity you. No one will.
If anything I'll be angry that you're wasting time.
Take charge of your own life and fucking do something that you'll remember.
Break free, breathe in, breathe out, and let loose on the world with a passion and a vengeance unmatched.
Maybe then you can judge.
But by then, you won't.
You will know.

This sinking feeling never dies.

Oh, but it does.

Hello sunshine, welcome, make yourself at home, let me open the curtains for you.

Hello beautiful weather, feel like cheering me up? Already have.

This war with myself never ends.

But it's damn nice to put it aside for a time.

It's Father's Day, time to give back to the person who you fight with most but who's made sure you're always provided for and trying your hardest.

The sun is out, the weather is gorgeous, you have friends you have family, and the world at your fingertips. Very soon we will be free.

So put aside that sorrow my friends. It's time for a change, god knows we all need it.

I'll show you exactly what it's like, to feel alive.

but everyone loves

a fuckin tragedy.

Let's set our hearts at self destruct.

Am I weak, or am I awake?

A wise person told me some time ago that this is the year where everything changes. Or rather, you your perceptions change. You see people in new lights, including yourself. You understand certain things you didn't before about others, about yourself.

I've found I've drifted this year from the people I would have originally clung to.

I've looked back on past mistakes, I've regretted them but understood their necessity.

Is this growing up? I doubt it. This is just a new environment throwing everyone into a spin in which discovery takes hold.

Won and lost friends, discovered new things and re-discovered old.

I know my choices here will impact me for a long time.

I like that.

Some weight on my shoulders. It's a nice change.

Let's hope the spine can hold the weight.

food for thought

i want to be able to look at a problem and see multiple angles. i dont want to pidgeon-hole myself with the first thing i think of. but its so hard to try and find another way around somehting that you've already figured out how to manouevre.

but what if you know that in your manouevre, certain events are more likely to take place than in other scenarios. you know you should carefully think out the steps of your plan, your attack, your design. you know you should find alternate routes. but once a way has been found, we rush to the mark heedless of inherent danger, seen in our own warnings and knowledge.

so what choices are we left?
fall back and lose all ground, and possibly the battle and the war?
or push forward with the same risks?
then what? similar outcomes, completely different tactics.