some new lyrics, why not.

take a deep breath
fight back the clinging fear
and pound your fists in the air
tonight, we fight this slow death

as the walls crumble around us we only scream louder
our throats are raw our lungs they shake
these chests hold something you can never take

we are the forsaken
we are those forgotten
the blood of a world is on your hands
we march as one to reclaim these lands

as the walls crumble around us we scream so much louder
our throats are raw, your hands they shake
these chests hold something you will never take

destiny is marked and we know our fate
to leave those to come a clean slate
the sky falls around us, our time has come
we bleed but we fight on, beneath the new sun

tonight we fight for those who cant
tonight we truly know how it feels
to feel alive
we are no longer helpless
we are the new progress

as the walls crumble around us we all scream louder
with throats red raw, our fists they shake
our chests hold hearts that you will never take

she makes dirty words sound pretty

and baby honestly these teeth won't let you go

find something worth fighting for, even if you have times where you dont understand why you should, or you think it's a lost cause.
find that something and fight for it with everything you have.
don't just let it pass.
fight for something you believe in, someone you care about, be what it may, but if theres nothing in your life to fight for... well then, my friend, you lead a hollow existence.
dont exist in passing, actively exist. make your mark.

if my life were to end today, it wouldnt change the world in any way

maintain

well kids. that right there is the power of communication.
take someone aside and talk to them. you never know what might happen..
i guess here's to new(ish) beginnings.
i spoke some harsh words, and i dont retract them, they were as they stood.
time will tell how this goes.

come home

i hate this
i've never been so unsure of myself
one minute i want nothing to do with this.
the next i refuse to let this go.
theres so much that would need to change
and i dont know if either of us are up to that challenge.
some things cant be changed at all.
i cant keep second guessing myself.
please just make up your mind, one way or the other.
i cant sit here alternately loving and hating you for much longer before i break.

there's never an ounce that i breathe without thinking about who i could have been with you.

lemon meringue tie

and i dont know why, i dont know why i fight for you this way

i cant be the person you want me to be
im done trying to be myself and yet change for you
everything i've done has been for you
and every time i've lost a little more of me

im not a puzzle piece, i wont just fit myself into your life
no matter how hard you try to jam me in there without inconveniencing your own lifestyle,
it still wont happen

theres give and take
and im done giving until you stop taking
your priorities reflect exactly how much respect you have for me
so now you can see how i've felt
i wish it hadn't come to this resentment
i wish we'd been able to talk about it
but you haven't made it easy
i guess i'll just have to step up and open the floodgates.

truest of colours

i love being at your convenience.. no really!
i'll shut it all away, so i can sit by the phone.
just in case.
i might even be serious.
the edge of my seat has never been so much of a cliffhanger.
a drop would be nice though.

lets face it. its a face off.

do we have ANYTHING in common?
i'm searching so hard. im trying to find something, to even adopt something just to say we do.
opposite ends of the spectrum much? i seem to be exactly the opposite of everything you stand for. so where's the line between the fairy tale and reality? where's the line that answers the questions that sit behind my eyes.

sail this ship alone

if you're the kind of person who expects things for nothing, i hate you
it's as simple as that.
you're a fucking stain, and your dependency on others' kindness is sickening
i'm done being leaned on because i make your life easier.
if i wasnt in this position, would we even be friends? would you even put the effort in?
for certain the answer would be no. pull your fucking head in.

acceptance

I have to face the truth
That no one could look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to

Why do we struggle to accept the good intentions of others?
Why do we struggle to accept that maybe someone may like us for who we are?
Human nature inherently looks for the bad in everything, we seek a reason to sabotage ourselves, because to be happy seems to be something we don't believe we deserve, or that in the long run the same thing will happen to us as previously, and so we guard ourselves. I've brought this up before, but again I'd like to question it, that even in our happiest moments, we doubt and we question what should not be questioned.

I guess all I want to ask is, weighing it up, is the happiness before the almost inevitability of equal or greater value? How do we determine something as more or less important, when different perspectives and different experiences will present different answers? This isn't to say I'm not happy. I am, extraordinarily so, and for once I find myself not questioning it, which, in its turn, made me wonder why in the past I have been so quick to distrust.

And I apologise for the font size, I don't know what's going on with it....

the mind

Watched wolf creek today. Incredible movie, but one of the hardest things I've ever had to sit through. It wasn't even the gore, as Saw has completely desensitized us against that. Some of us even enjoy it... sylvia...
It was the complete abandonment of all stable mental faculties displayed by John Jarrat in the character of Mick Taylor. The indifference, and enjoyment he portrayed was unbelievably sickening, and why the film was so effective. If you watch movies for the purpose of squirming, I recommend this, although, if that is something you enjoy, you probably won't be as affected by this.

I found myself, at multiple points during the film, almost gagging at the sick ordeal unfolding on the screen. At other points, many times, myself and Fitzy screamed bloody murder at the screen in total and utter frustration.

But we came to this point. To those who've seen the film, you don't need this explanation, but to those who haven't, if you were in a situation where you and a friend were kidnapped, trapped and being tortured/raped by a complete madman. What would you do? Do you stick around, or do you run? Ignore the setting of the middle of butt-fucking nowhere, that's ont as relevant. But seriously, what would you do in this situation? No weapon, the assailant has guns, knives and is completely sick and indifferent. The HONEST answer may surprise you.

even though im in a period of pure happiness... lol

everyone is someone else's failure
i am your biggest defeat
you will forever be doomed to repeat and repeat
just try and forget what always is
make me that never was
we will circle the pit
but we'll never brave the depths of nightmares
to confront dreams has never been so picturesque
paint reality in a different shade and i'll always remember you
the way you want me to
the way you made my fears come true

the final struggle

this is it
we're underprepared
we know we should have put more into it
but this is where we stand
and this is how we will fight
as we are
nothing more
nothing less

the endgame begins in t-minus 5 days.

are you ready?

about time i wrote something

havent written lyrics or anything in a little while...


Know that I will stand and watch
While you plummet on those words
As sharp as swords when they left your mouth
Sharper still as they run you through

So far from a place to call home
You still find a way to burn every bridge
You still find a way to leave every rope
I won’t be here soon, I’m losing all hope

I need to hear your voice
That once held someone I loved
The melody that lifted me to the clouds
From a now dead heart, but I know,
I know it still beats somewhere.

The road begins to shake and turn
As you stumble towards the dark
We can only follow so far
I already know you won’t be back
I knew it long before I turned my back.

some sense of security

i know my limitations. i know what holds me back.
i know there are ways around it, but these are indefinite.
however the path, the journey that i take to find what i seek
however, wherever it leads, if anywhere at all, is part of the learning
its a small chance, but its one i would do anything for
so here comes the plunge, sacrifice for uncertainty
the ice cold water stills your lungs and you fear for your life
but you don't regret. you know you have done the right thing
you know that this is worth it, even if nothing will come from it.

Almost Home, Almost Gone

With a growing sense of excitement the edge nears.
Are you ready to fly?
With this sense of dread we ready ourselves to jump.
The rocks below reach up to us, but we pay them no heed.
We know that without belief in ourselves, we will falter, we will fall.
But we know that we will hold each other up, carry each other until we are all ready to fly.
Some will refuse this offer,and they shall sink, they do not understand how to spread their wings just yet.
They shall sink to the bottom of a memory, but will one day rise of their own accord and find their own meaning, one that we will have not the right to judge.
We shall fly towards our own sunsets, chasing a sunrise we see only on our own, for this journey is ours and ours alone.
But we shall gather again. This flock will renew itself and one day will meet again.
Until then, when we meet again.

death of seasons

"Elegy in a Botanic Gardens" by Kenneth Slessor is probably one of my new favourite pieces of literature. Its absolutely stunning, it really is, and you should definitely read it and enjoy it. It explains the title of this blog too, as, contrary to what it seems, this is a joyful blog *gasp*.

Life moves onwards always, but rarely do we come to crossroads such as these. We've shared the last 6 years of our lives with the same people. 5 days a week, term in, term out, year in, year out. You become accustomed to them. Interaction is automatic and takes no effort. You know how each person reacts to certain things, and how to react to them. Everything becomes automatic, and you just settle into a rhythm.

But now, we near the end. This is the great leap into the rest of our lives. From here, we all head for uni, or whatever we choose to do. These are the last days of our hibernation, and in less than two months, we truly begin to live, we hatch, we thrive and we LIVE. Its exciting, and yes, going against my hardened hatred, I will actually miss quite a few people. Not on a personal level, but just a joke as you walk past, a smile or a nod, a feeling of kinship of sorts. Now our true friends are born. We decide who we will actually put in the effort to stay in contact with, especially those of us going to uni's with different people to those we are closer to, or those of us (myself, specifically, possibly others) going somewhere with no one from our current social circles.

I know who these people will be, but what I wonder is, who will return the effort? Seems if you drive, it's all on your head. I don't want that responsibility, because that wouldn't be a friendship. For some, it won't bother me, it's my pleasure to go to you, though there are very few. To the others, step up, or don't expect anything from me.

But back to a positive note.

I know my feelings, and I understand them now. I understand my situation, THE situation, and I understand the futility, but this doesn't lessen the feeling, it isn't putting me in a bad mood, the fact that I can't be who you need. I know that what I CAN do is be the friend you need, and I will do anything for you as a friend, anything. You've always been there for me even through my mistreatment of you, and I will fight tooth and nail to stay by your side when the time comes and prove myself worthy of you. Because I'd rather keep you as a friend than lose you for the sake of my own selfishness. You bring out the best in me, the me that I've found it easier and safer to protect and hide over the years. You make me try to be something better, and for that I will always be indebted to you. I don't know where this is going, haha, I guess I just needed to write this down. I know you don't read this, or even know about it. I'm not sure if I'd rather that, or if I'd rather you saw this. I think I'd rather take the time to tell you in person how thankful I am that you are who you are.

So adios for now my friends, whoever may read this.
I hope you are enjoying life and living each day the way it deserves to be lived.
Remember that there is always someone there to turn to, and don't ever lapse and undervalue those around you by not truly understanding their contribution.
: )

something about us

i realised that my blogging, originally intended to just raise questions i or others would love to discuss or have some sort of answer to, has become a mope-fest.
so one last time, for the sake of it, and to properly express this emotion, and then back to something more substantial.


It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

knowing

the outcome and not being able to change either it or your emotions.
It has to be one of the most interesting and testing of things.
It tests your self control, it tests your will, your love..
They say we cant control our hearts, and if we could, would we want to?
More importantly, do we have the right to?

'Why are you so far away?'
'Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?'

cellophane

a tinted form of clarity.

a new perspective.

one you come to wish you'd never had.

because misery will be all that will await you.

can i ask you a question?

if you had the choice, would you change knowing what you know?

would you change how you feel?

or do you think theres a reason for it all?

do you think we suffer, to learn from it?

or would it be easier to erase that, and go straight to the quick happiness, that little bit of feel-good and sunshine?

you tell me, because i just don't know.

Do you party?

Do you party? -The Amity Affliction
(Support Australian music!!)

Why the fuck should be change how we behave, because you thought it would work better that way?
And who the fuck told you that you should speak up about how it is we act,
About who the fuck we are when we don’t cast our eyes your own way?

And who the fuck are you anyway?
We’re no one and we still feel right at home,
We’re no one and we’re still just passing time; to kill the time, to kill the boredom.
Who the fuck can say what we should do?
We drink ‘til we drop and we’ll drink ‘til we die! We’re not here for a long time

We’re not here to help your night, we’re not here to set shit right; we’re just here for a good time, and friends are our own friends and our own, are our only; and tonight is the last night
And fuck you for thinking you could ever set us right
Who are you anyway to think you could change us?
Tonight is our own night, tonight is our only, we’re lonely, we’re wasted

And who the fuck are you anyway?
We’re no one and we still feel right at home,
We’re no one and we’re still just passing time; to kill the time, to kill the boredom.
Who the fuck can say what we should do? We drink ‘til we drop and we’ll drink ‘til we die!
We’re not here for a long time


Embrace life, fuck's sake.
Enjoy yourselves, is it really such an abstract concept?
How long do we have?
Presumably a life expectancy of between 70 or 80 years?
Yeah, good luck with that.
If you get hit by a car, don't bitch about having wasted your life.
I won't pity you. No one will.
If anything I'll be angry that you're wasting time.
Take charge of your own life and fucking do something that you'll remember.
Break free, breathe in, breathe out, and let loose on the world with a passion and a vengeance unmatched.
Maybe then you can judge.
But by then, you won't.
You will know.

This sinking feeling never dies.

Oh, but it does.

Hello sunshine, welcome, make yourself at home, let me open the curtains for you.

Hello beautiful weather, feel like cheering me up? Already have.

This war with myself never ends.

But it's damn nice to put it aside for a time.

It's Father's Day, time to give back to the person who you fight with most but who's made sure you're always provided for and trying your hardest.

The sun is out, the weather is gorgeous, you have friends you have family, and the world at your fingertips. Very soon we will be free.

So put aside that sorrow my friends. It's time for a change, god knows we all need it.

I'll show you exactly what it's like, to feel alive.

but everyone loves

a fuckin tragedy.

Let's set our hearts at self destruct.

Am I weak, or am I awake?

A wise person told me some time ago that this is the year where everything changes. Or rather, you your perceptions change. You see people in new lights, including yourself. You understand certain things you didn't before about others, about yourself.

I've found I've drifted this year from the people I would have originally clung to.

I've looked back on past mistakes, I've regretted them but understood their necessity.

Is this growing up? I doubt it. This is just a new environment throwing everyone into a spin in which discovery takes hold.

Won and lost friends, discovered new things and re-discovered old.

I know my choices here will impact me for a long time.

I like that.

Some weight on my shoulders. It's a nice change.

Let's hope the spine can hold the weight.

food for thought

i want to be able to look at a problem and see multiple angles. i dont want to pidgeon-hole myself with the first thing i think of. but its so hard to try and find another way around somehting that you've already figured out how to manouevre.

but what if you know that in your manouevre, certain events are more likely to take place than in other scenarios. you know you should carefully think out the steps of your plan, your attack, your design. you know you should find alternate routes. but once a way has been found, we rush to the mark heedless of inherent danger, seen in our own warnings and knowledge.

so what choices are we left?
fall back and lose all ground, and possibly the battle and the war?
or push forward with the same risks?
then what? similar outcomes, completely different tactics.

fingertips

its almost in your grasp and you feel it slipping away.

what now?

if you let this slip away, there wont be an "oh well theres always next time".

this is what you want, this is your life.

this is all you know.

what do you do, if all you know, ends up amounting to nothing because of chance and circumstance meaning you miss out?

the worst part is that even the bite-sized versions of this catastrophe, you look back on them, and they were up until now, your greatest failings.

so what do you do? grab everything within reach and fight tooth and nail?

what if that isnt what will determine it?

what if its too late?

i write lyrics when the mood takes me.

while listening to Oh, Sleeper, heres what i came up with.



know your boundaries and we will break them tonight
know what you want to destroy, its time to set it right
know that this will one day end
and please, dont even try to pretend

they call me curse
they call me cure
call me the reaper
you'll get what i wish for

we'll watch the city set itself up to fall
we'll watch as the rains drown them all
stand solid, proud and tall
we brace for impact,
we'll never crawl

just a phase

or is it.




this isnt a thoughtful post. this is a holy fuck we're in over our heads post.

then again. that does make it thoughtful.

know your boundaries, know your limits.

we are only human.

Mouth for War

Do you believe in yourself?



No really, do you?



I don't believe (in) you.



So prove it.










This is a war
So youve gotta stay strong and rise above
And never let the motherfuckers tear you away from what you love
Gotta fight back and reclaim whats truly yours
Take revenge on the world and declare your fucking war
Your war
Stay gold
Stay true to yourself and your friends and never let go
You want a piece of my fucking time?
Well back up and back off
Get in back of the line
You want a piece of my fucking mind?
Well fuck you
Fuck you
Stay gold
Stay true to yourself and your friends and never let go
You want a piece of my fucking time?
Well back up and back off
Get in back of the line
You want a piece of my fucking mind?
Well fuck you
Stay gold
Stay true to yourself and your friends and never let go
Never let go

Throwdown - Declare Your War

dependency

Will it save you? By leaning on someone, can you navigate problems easier? Almost certainly. By learning to do so on your own, by being broken to rebuild yourself stronger and wiser each time, would this not be wise? But if you have to do so continuously, then this defeats the purpose of being stronger. Or is it just for that one moment, that one triumph, where we finally hold our own, where we face down the fear, that we destroy ourselves continuously.

Is that one moment so sweet in victory that we feel it worth it to suffer to achieve such a pure frame of mind for such a short time, before failing on promises to continue to hold strong, and fall back into our own cycles of self destruction?

You tell me.

well here we are

Having sunk to the bottom rung of evolution, I have created a vent blog. The disappointment never ends.


Respect is a big issue at the moment. Just simple, basic respect between human beings. I don't expect respect, and I don't respect people at the drop of a hat. Respect has to be earned. But how many chances can we ruin before we don't get another? What if you've finally become certain, what if you KNOW what you want, but you haven't earned the respect to be able to pursue this without being pushed in the opposite direction by people who just don't believe in you any more? You know they want the best, but is it too much to ask for the most basic level of respect as human beings to allow you to make your own decisions.?

Self-determination is important, and without it, when those making our decisions for us stand back, we fall. But when we aren't afforded this chance of self-determination, because of our previous failings, where do we find the right to become resentful? We do it anyway, but we both know it's invalid. So what happens in this situation? I have found the resentment at not being afforded the respect to determine my own choices in life, but I have no right to it. Yet, how much right do parents have to control any of our decisions? Legally, at the age of fourteen, we can make our own decisions medically, regardless of parents. Crazy, no? So why is it that at the age of seventeen, when finally a decision on my future has been agreed upon by all the warring factions within my mind, can I not have the chance to pursue it my way?

The HSC is unnecessary for me at this point. I KNOW that this path is what I will do with my life, and all I need is the ATAR equivalent of a 65 UAI. Back-up plan? Why? It's almost guaranteeing failure, not believing in yourself enough to be able to hold yourself up and take what is yours. It's not a contingency plan, because it becomes easier than struggling for your real goal, and you fall back on it, pretending only to do it temporarily, but you'll never go back to what you really want. I'm not leaving myself any other option. I will live that life, this is what I will do. There are no fall backs, no safety nets or ropes to guide me. I'm walking a tightrope, and its the only thing that will galvanise me. So be it. Here goes the rest of my life.